


Hold On For Dear Life

by BlazersEtc



Series: Explaining Alexander [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anxiety, Aspergers, Aspergers!Alec, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8901430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Alec is used to dealing with the stressful life of a Shadowhunter, but sometimes it's a little more than he can handle. [Part of the Explaining Alexander Seiries] Aspergers!Alec.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my amazing Beta reader Ladymatt for all her help and guidance in helping me convey in words what being overwhelmed during an Aspergers episode like for people who've never had one. Writing this addition to the series may have been the hardest one yet because it required the most words and insight into what it's like to have Aspergers, so I hope you all enjoy!

The moment Alec is alone is when it happens, when he slips out of that put together person and into himself. His shoulders relax, the tension easing out of them, though his mind hasn't fully let go of the day's stress. Alec always has to wonder if life is this much work for everyone else. Jace and Izzy hardly seem to think before they act-or even speak. Every action, every word, seems to be fluid and without stress; Alec envies them. 

Jace had always been the type to say whatever is on his mind, even if what he has to say isn't appropriate for the situation or company. Izzy was much the same, though she had a better sense of how to behave around the Clave. They both seemed to ignore the rules, something Alec could never bring himself to do. Just the thought of breaking the rules sent Alec into a kind of stress he'd rather forget existed. He'd had a passing thought of breaking the rules here and there but it was always followed quickly by a little voice in his head going 'no way in hell, you know better.'

Alec isn't sure how others can ignore that important voice.   
*********  
Alec isn't the type for a heart to heart. Alec grew up bottling up his emotions and pushing them so deep down that they would never resurface. He got skilled in the art of 'think first, feel later'. It made him a great Shadowhunter, but sometimes it became too overwhelming. Alec usually had multiple things on his mind at once, even on a fairly stress-free day, and after a while they all started to add up. 

Today was just another ordinary Tuesday at the Institute. Alec had gotten out of bed, taken a quick shower, scarfed down some breakfast and made his way to the training room. He'd spent several hours sparring with different Shadowhunters, working out until he felt like jelly and he wanted to pass out and sleep for a century. Then came the call, possible movements on Valentine, and Alec had rushed to the weapons room to gear up. Alec sent a quick text to Magnus with their destination before pocketing his phone. 

It didn't take long for Alec and the small group of Shadowhunters to arrive at the docks and when they did, all hell broke loose. Demons appeared from every corner, taking down Shadowhunters left and right, Alec barely registered anything, moving on instinct as he worked with his bow. Alec hardly had time to think as the creatures descended upon them, it was as if his conscious thoughts melted away and he became a machine; aim, pull, let go, repeat. 

Alec cornered a demon against one of the shipping crates, drawing back his bow and the demon smirked his way, "Valentine will never let your precious Parabatai go. Even if he did, he'd never be able to swim that far."

A livid look crossed Alec’s features, the thought of anyone harming Jace in any way sending a protective surge through his body. Jace was his Parabatai and though Alec loved Magnus, that didn’t mean he’d completely gotten over his feelings for Jace. It had been a long two months of trying to find Jace, and in those months Alec’s feelings for Jace had started to fall away, but they weren’t completely gone and Alec knew he may never fully lose them. It made protecting Jace that much more personal and painful, because even though Alec could feel some of Jace’s pain through the bond he also felt his own pain at the idea of Jace being hurt. 

Alec let the arrow fly, taking the demon down before returning to the rest of the hoard. When the carnage stopped, the only ones left standing were Izzy, Alec, and two Shadowhunters that Alec hadn't really gotten to know.  
"One of the demons gave me a clue, Iz. Jace is across the ocean, or in it, either way, it's a clue."

Izzy nodded, "Let’s head to Magnus's place and see if there is anything new he’s discovered about places Valentine might be hiding."

Alec nodded in agreement and lead the party of Shadowhunters down the route to Magnus’s loft, trying not think about all the lives they’d lost only moments earlier. Alec knew the life of a Shadowhunter was a dangerous one, loss was expected, people died early and kids were born young, but ever since Valentine had returned the casualties were more frequent and the bodies were piling up faster than ever before. 

Alec couldn’t help but feel like their deaths were his fault. He was the leader of the institute, he was the one approving these missions and he was the one so desperately searching for Jace. If he could just learn to let go and focus on Valentine alone, if he could just put his feelings aside and be willing to sacrifice Jace if it meant saving dozens, maybe more, Shadowhunters, then they wouldn’t be losing so many people; but Alec couldn’t do that. Alec knew that he’d burn down the world to keep his Parabatai safe and alive, no matter the cost. 

*********  
Alec dumped his gear at the door, kicking off his boots beside his gear. Magnus preferred that shoes be removed before anyone entered his place and Alec wasn't about to argue that fact, especially not when his boots were as coated in ichor as his were. Izzy did the same with her boots, though she set hers down gently on the floor mat, saying something about designer heels. The other two Shadowhunters opted to stay by the door, shoes on their feet. 

"Alexander!" Magnus's voice came from inside the apartment, out of sight. "I hope you're early because you were too excited to test out that new toy I got for-oh, Isabelle. How lovely to see you!" Magnus grinned as he came around the corner and spotted the siblings at the door. Alec was blushing a dark red and Izzy was smirking at her brother. 

"Sorry to drop in but one of Valentine's demons let it slip that Jace is being held somewhere in the ocean, or across it, we're not sure yet."

"The demon mentioned that if Jace escaped he wouldn't be able to swim that far." Alec looked uncomfortable, more so than usual. Alec had only recently surrendered his V card and while he was okay letting Magnus lead him through the discovery of his sexuality, it was not something he wanted to be shared with his sister-or the other Shadowhunters present. Alec was sure he’d never be as open about his bedroom activities as Magnus was and he was perfectly okay with that. 

"Warlock tracking won't work across water, but I can try and ask around for any strange activity from the Downworlders. Find out who is coming and going across the ocean." Magnus smirked, pulling out his phone. "I had a meeting scheduled with a few Vampires anyway.”  
**********  
Alec hated parties. Technically, they were having a meeting but four vampires became ten and the next thing they knew the place was packed with people. The loud music, the flashing lights, the people pressed so close that it was impossible not to bump into multiple bodies walking across the room. Izzy was eating the atmosphere up, changing from one dance partner to another and getting far too close to some for Alec's liking. He’d been leaning against the bar for the past hour, hoping to pick up on some conversation that might lead them to Jace but instead all he was finding was loud music, so loud it felt like it was liquefying his brain. 

Alec was able to zone out, losing himself in his head to try and drown out the sheer amount of visuals he was getting. The bright lights were enough to get aggravating after a few hours, but add it to the constant loud music and the bodies that kept brushing against him and it was enough to set his nerves on edge. Alec was a very physical person, not one for words, but he preferred to share the privilege of touch with those he trusted-not dozens of strangers. 

It was just then that someone came to sit by the bar beside Alec, and out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a fey. 

"Bane's little pet. My, you are as beautiful as he says." The man smiled, showing a row of perfect white teeth, but Alec didn't like the sinister look in the fairy’s eyes. 

"Tell me, why would Magnus leave such a wonderful specimen alone in a place like this? There are such...unsavory characters."

Alec rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the counter. "I can take care of myself."

"Maybe, but apparently not your Parabatai." 

The comment hit far too close to home, Alec had been blaming himself for not being able to save Jace, he'd been working his ass off trying to get him back and he was failing; and even the Seelie's knew it. Alec shoved himself away from the counter. “My Parabatai is none of your concern.”

“On the contrary, it’s quite the talk in the court. I thought Shadowhunters were brave but it looks like all they do is run from their problems.”

Alec had had enough: between his long morning, the false hope of finding Jace, the disastrous turn at the docks and now being put in the middle of a loud, flashy party where he was being harassed-Alec was done. He stormed away from the Seelie, through the crowd and into Magnus’s room, slamming the door behind him.   
****

Alec hid himself away in Magnus's room, thankful that while it was warded from any party guests, it allowed Alec to enter without resistance. He’d gone there on instinct, his mind knowing that the room he stayed in when he was over, the one he shared with Magnus, would be the most comforting place. Alec closed the door behind him. He could feel himself shaking, a tremor that was running through him, from the tips of his fingers to his toes. Alec kicked off his boots and shed his gear jacket, it was suddenly far too uncomfortable. Alec sat down on the bed, trying to calm himself down but Alec could feel his throat tightening and he mentally cursed himself for being so weak. 

Alec curled up into a ball on his side of the bed, grabbing a blanket to pull around his body as he laid down. He pulled the blanket over his head and closed his eyes, trying to block out the low rumble of the party that had broken out in Magnus’s loft. It was times like this that Alec just wanted quiet and for his head to stop being so loud. He’d been dealing with this on his own for years, not wanting Izzy to know because he was her big brother and he wasn’t supposed to be weak, and not wanting Jace to know because Alec didn’t want Jace to think badly of him. 

Everything felt irritating on his skin, Alec could hardly even lay still because his clothes felt like small needles. The noise outside was making his head pound and Alec squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he tried to block everything out.   
“Alexander?”

Alec’s eyes widened at the voice, no no no Magnus wasn’t supposed to see this. He’d done such a good job at hiding this part of him from everyone, his Parabatai included and now that was going to end just because he couldn't handle a little discomfort. 

“Angel?” Alec could hear Magnus’s footsteps approaching and then a hand pulling the blanket away from his face. Alec winced as light flooded into his eyes, blinking as he looked up into Magnus’s worried eyes. 

“Are you alright?” Magnus reached down to tangle his fingers in Alec’s hair and Alec let out a quiet whimper, flushing when he realized Magnus had heard him. Magnus seemed to understand because he kicked off his own shoes and climbed onto the bed beside Alec, pulling the taller Shadowhunter into his arms and tucking the blanket around him. 

“What happened?” Magnus asked softly, snapping his fingers and silencing the room around them, a soundproofing spell. Alec curled in closer.

“I...it’s….it’s a thing that happens sometimes. I just….it’s too much.”

Magnus nodded, gently brushing his fingers through Alec’s hair, “Sensory overload.”

Alec’s eyes widened slightly, he’d never heard anyone use that term before, let alone in reference to himself. Magnus gave a gentle chuckle. “I may have done some research.”

Alec gave Magnus a small smile, tucking his head farther into Magnus’s chest, trying to block everything out and focus on the solid body that was holding him. 

“It’s just...there is so much going on. We’re no closer to finding Valentine and I can feel Jace through the bond at times, he’s in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it and- and it’s just too much. Today we tried everything we could and we didn’t find anything, Jace is still in trouble and we lost so many Shadowhunters. He’s still out there and here I am at a party trying to get information and I can’t even handle a party to get him back. I can’t...I don’t…” Alec could feel a tear sliding down his cheek and he didn’t know how it got there. Damn it. Alexander Lightwood did not cry. 

“Alexander, I don’t know anyone who could handle this situation as well as you have. You don’t have to be strong all of the time. If you need to take a break, you can. We’re all looking for Jace, if you need to take a breather then Izzy, or I, or Lydia can all help while you do so.”

Alec nodded gently, though he said nothing more. Magnus was always so accommodating but Alec knew he wouldn't be able to stop until Jace was safe, back at the institute. Magnus seemed to know this, however, because instead of pressing for Alec to agree he changed the subject. 

“What is it that helps you feel better when you deal with this on your own?”

Alec blushed immediately, ducking his head and trying to hide from view. If a pit opened up and swallowed him whole he probably wouldn’t fight it in this moment. 

“Alexander, I want to help but I need to know what helps you so that I don’t make it worse.”

Alec stayed silent for a moment before he finally spoke. 

“Usually I go somewhere quiet and curl up with a blanket. It helps to put it over my head, it...it blocks everything out.” Alec flushed darker, embarrassed to be admitting any of this. His whole face felt like it was going to melt from humiliation. “ I can’t explain it, it just works. Physical contact helps, I….being in your arms is helping.”

Magnus smiled softly, reaching down to pull the blanket over both of their heads, his feet intertwining with Alec’s. 

“Do not be embarrassed to share this with me. I would never judge you for taking care of yourself.”

Magnus moved the hand that was not currently in Alec’s hair to his back, gently rubbing circles there. 

“I want to be there for you when you need me. You don’t always have to be the responsible Shadowhunter, you’re allowed to have moments when you’re just a human.”

Alec took a moment to process Magnus’s words, his cheeks still flaming but he looked up slowly at Magnus and gave him a very small smile. Alec had never been cared for the way Magnus was caring for him in this moment. Alec felt embarrassed of course, he was a grown man curling up under a blanket for Angel’s sake, but he also felt safe in Magnus’s arms, in ways he’d never felt safe before. Magnus cared, and that was something that Alec wasn’t used to. Tenderness was new to Alec and he felt his chest tightening, his breath catching in his throat. 

“Thank you.” Alec’s voice was quiet and he let his eyes close immediately too embarrassed to look at Magnus any longer. He knew Magnus wouldn’t make fun of him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still feel a little shy about it. 

Magnus didn’t seem to mind, instead he snapped his fingers, dimming the lights in the room and lighting some candles, before resting his head on top of Alec’s. He could feel the Shadowhunter’s body starting to relax under his own touch and he smiled softly to himself. It didn't take long for Alec’s breathing to even out and when he slid into unconsciousness Magnus didn’t have the heart to move and risk waking him, so he closed his own eyes, Vampires and party forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I'd love to hear your comments below! Until next time!


End file.
